Wait, WHAT?!?! 🤣 🤣 🤣 Why do you continue to do this, Netflix?! Like, what is this?!?! This brings into question once again just how much a movie nowadays is created by AI. I’m really trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it’s getting pretty difficult. This movie’s last act and ending really made me question my sanity. Like, it can’t be real! Seriously! It’s a sure bet that this dump will be forgotten as soon as the credits roll—if the viewers even make it till the end—and we’ll all be thinking that surely the next movie can’t be this bad. This is the abusive relationship you are entering with Netflix. Make absolute no mistake about it. 😂

Alright, look. I can’t even consider myself the biggest critic and hater. I somewhat enjoyed The Last House in the beginning. It’s the trapped-in-your-house-holy-shit-aliens-are-here type movie. I can get with that. Like, for real, I can. Not being able to open any of your doors and windows? Sure, I can get with that. I’m not even being sarcastic. There are some things I can overlook in this type of situation because it’s obviously a movie and they simply cannot answer every single damn question a viewer has. I can cut them some slack. But for some things it’s like, dude, WHAT? Like, what type of shit were you smoking that made this script possible and approved? I don’t even care about some of the more cringe scenes and dialogue because whatever. There’s something bigger and more important to discuss. Namely, THE PLOT!!!!!

One hour and fifty minutes. That’s the runtime for this movie. In typical Netflix movie fashion, so many of those minutes feel wasted. Instead of us getting to learn more about the Cthulhu-like water creatures, we spend the majority of our time with the Delgado family being locked in their house, just like everyone else in their neighborhood. OK, I get it. We’re supposed to feel this sense of dread, horror, loss, anger, and bitterness of being trapped in a house where escape is impossible. No one knows what is going on. We get it after a certain point. But my goodness, the acting, especially on Greta Lee’s part playing the wife, is horrendous at times. They spent way too long trying to build up some character and depth to the family members who viewers likely know aren’t that complex. Everyone is likely just waiting for the confrontation. Their goal, once again in typical Netflix fashion it feels like, is to keep viewers glued to the screen long enough to see what happens next without them hitting the Stop button on the movie and watching something else. Because stats, you know. In all my complaining, bitching, and moaning, I can say they succeeded. However, The Last House feels like the typical Netflix rug pull at the end to make the whole viewing journey up to that point not worth it. But hey, they got your view so that’s likely all that matters to them. On to the next!

Let me just get to the meat of it. I’m just going to pretend and forget about all the other stupid shit that can’t be accounted for in a scenario such as this. So, the chimney. Somehow they discover that they are able to penetrate the mysterious barrier and reach the outside world by going over the top of the chimney. The simple and obvious question is: HOWWWW and WHYYYYY????!!!! What is so damn special about the chimney?! Are the creatures really that stupid that they forgot about it? Next up is why the living hell it took five long frigging years before the creatures thought it would be a good idea to FINALLY open the door to the house and do some investigation on this particular family? WHY? In fact, we don’t even know what exactly is the true purpose of the creatures! I can go along with the explanation that they aren’t some outer-space creatures/aliens but rather from Earth’s deep oceans instead. I dig that because I’m a deep-ocean creature lover myself; they are absolutely fascinating. This part of the lore can be expanded upon but of course they choose the route of trying to be mysterious instead. But WHAT are they actually doing? Are they eating the humans? This can’t be, because their neighbors’ dead bodies are still in the house when the wife goes over to steal medicine. Are they just asshole monsters that like to cause destruction just because they can? Did the script really skip this part, or did they really believe that by not explaining it, it would add more “horror” to the movie because of the “unknown”?

Skipping to the absolute joke of an ending, I’m really believing that Netflix just wants to mess with us because they can. Viewers are going to continue paying for this type of shit and will be continue to do so and Netflix knows it. It’s like getting spit in the face, robbed of your money and like with Stockholm syndrome, you’re going to like it and defend them regardless. So anyways, we’re to see that the family gets to finally escape the house because they showed mercy on the creature they were battling with. So is this the same creature the daughter was referring to earlier when she said the one she saw out the window was one of the “good” ones? I can’t see how this can be because then why would it continue attacking the family? So then we’re led to believe that the big bad creature that has been terrorizing them this whole time had a change of heart? This then leads back to the question of just exactly WHAT is their goal in this whole thing. We see the family is based in Seattle because of the Space Needle. But just how did the water level go up to the Space Needle but yet the family’s neighborhood is still safe and not drowned out?! We obviously get that the creatures can control water. We get that. So, then the question is again, WHAT IS THE POINT and what are they trying to accomplish here?!?!?! Why couldn’t they just drown out every damn house from the beginning and get on with it? What is the purpose of showing the viewers scenes where the family is somehow able to interact with the rain outside in the beginning (daughter with her pencil and father with the handprint on window)? Oh and before I forget, I’m not a medical expert by any means but I’m pretty damn frigging sure that antibiotics don’t work that fast on a human body. Add the fact that those meds haven’t expired after all those years? The fact that the daughter took it and immediately got better is absolutely hilarious but I shook it off immediately because of all the bigger issues this movie has.

OK, so finally we see that the family will then venture out with their neighbor’s sailboat to sea and find a new spot to camp and survive. Okay, that’s fine. But then in her narration, we also learn that for “some reason” the family doesn’t encounter the creatures again. LIKE WHATT?!?!?! We have to assume the world, or even just the United States, is under the control of these creatures. So how can it be explained that the family somehow never encounters these monsters again!? Make it make sense! We know there are other survivors out there, as is evident by the “Hello” we hear over the radio. So are we to believe that there are other families out there that have also been stuck inside their houses and somehow magically surviving this entire time (5+ years?) and that the Delgado family is somehow the chosen ones to free them? Or are we to believe that those families somehow escaped the monsters and have built a community somewhere? Did these people also show generosity to a creature and somehow they also let them out the door, or did they discover the chimney escape method? Maybe they were the few people that actually were outside their houses prior to all this happening and somehow made it for 5+ years outdoors with a bunch of Captain Davy Jones hunting them? 🤣 🤣 I mean, obviously it doesn’t matter because it’s all speculation. I can’t believe all this shit I’ve written until now. I had to get drunk a bit immediately afterward just to be able to cope with having to watch and reflect on this.